Do People Really Change? A Deeper Look at Healing, Identity, and the Myth of Self-Improvement

Everywhere we look, we’re bombarded with messages insisting that we can and should change. That with enough healing, therapy, mindset shifts, and nervous system regulation, we can sculpt ourselves into softer, lighter, more ideal versions of ourselves, free from old wounds, triggers, and so-called maladaptive behaviors. This idea forms the foundation of the self-help and wellness industries: transformation is not only possible but necessary.

But what if it’s not?

Despite all the inner work, all the self-awareness, all the nervous system regulation, we still find ourselves reacting in ways that feel frustratingly familiar. We still have moments of intensity, withdrawal, or reactivity. We still catch ourselves in old patterns, watching them unfold with newfound awareness but little ability to erase them.

For a long time, I believed that healing would lead me to a completely different version of myself, one who was calmer, more whole, more in control. I thought that if I did the work, if I processed my trauma, regulated my nervous system, and shifted my mindset, I would eventually arrive at a place where I felt different. Like the version of me who had finally “made it.”

And for a while, I even pushed that narrative onto others because I genuinely believed it was true.

But the deeper I went, both in my personal experience and in my research, particularly in neuroscience, the more I started to notice gaps in the story we were being told.

The Nervous System’s Pull Toward Homeostasis

One of the most overlooked truths in the healing world is that the nervous system is designed for homeostasis, a return to baseline. No matter how much self-work we do, our bodies and minds are wired to seek the equilibrium they know. This is not a sign of failure; it is a fundamental law of biology.

In a survival-based sense, change is risky. Our nervous system is built to preserve energy, protect us from perceived threats, and maintain patterns that have kept us alive, even if those patterns are dysfunctional, painful, or limiting. That’s why, after periods of deep self-inquiry, many of us find ourselves falling back into familiar behaviors, not because we lack discipline, but because our nervous system is doing what it was designed to do: return to a state of familiarity.

This is why, even after years of therapy, someone with an avoidant attachment style may still feel the pull to withdraw in moments of emotional intensity. Why someone with a tendency to people-please may still struggle to say no. Why someone with a history of rage or reactivity may still feel that fire rise in them, no matter how many mindfulness exercises they practice.

And the more I studied, the more I realized: the idea that we can “reprogram” ourselves into a better or newer person is, at best, an oversimplification, and at worst, a harmful illusion. The nervous system doesn’t work like that. Personality doesn’t work like that.

Yet for so long, I thought that if I still struggled, it meant I wasn’t healed enough. That if I still reacted, still felt deeply, still moved through the world with the intensity I always had, I was somehow failing at the process. But what I and so many of us are missing is: the goal was never to “fix” these parts of ourselves, but to understand them…without shame, without force, without the looming expectation that they should “disappear”.

The Myth of the “Better” Self

At its core, the self-improvement industry thrives on the belief that who we are right now is inherently lacking. It markets change as a product, one that can be bought through coaching, courses, and mindset work. It presents an idealized version of “healed” that often looks suspiciously like compliance; less reactive, more palatable, easier to digest.

But why is the ideal self always softer? Why is the goal always to be more gentle, more surrendered, more compliant? Why isn’t the goal ever to be more powerful, more direct, more willing to disrupt?

There’s a deeply ingrained bias in the way we talk about personal growth—one that favors certain traits over others, one that subtly tells people who are more intense, more reactive, or more complicated that they need to be fixed.

But what if healing isn’t about fixing?

The Collective Anxiety of Self-Improvement

This relentless push to change ourselves doesn’t just impact us on an individual level, it has massive ripple effects on the collective. When we internalize the belief that we are inherently flawed and must constantly strive for a “better” version of ourselves, we also contribute to a culture of anxiety, insecurity, and shame.

At a micro level, this manifests in personal distress: the quiet panic that we’re not there yet, the frustration of slipping back into old patterns, the shame of feeling like we should be more; more healed, more evolved, more enlightened. It keeps us trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, always searching for the next book, the next program, the next breakthrough that will finally make us “enough.”

At its worst, this push for self-betterment disconnects us from the truth that we are already whole. It replaces self-trust with perpetual striving, and in doing so, it steals the very thing healing is meant to offer: the freedom to exist as we are, in all our complexity, without the weight of needing to be anything else.

If we strip away the marketing, the self-improvement rhetoric, and the pressure to become something we’re not, what does actual change look like?

Instead of transformation, maybe it’s more like refinement.

Instead of erasing old wounds, maybe it’s about developing a different relationship to them.

Instead of suppressing certain parts of ourselves in the name of regulation, maybe it’s about finding ways to work with them rather than against them.

Healing might not make us fundamentally different people, but it can give us tools. It can create space between impulse and action. It can help us recognize our patterns before we enact them. It can allow us to choose when and how we engage, rather than being swept up in unconscious reactions. But that doesn’t mean the reactions disappear, it just means we have more capacity to witness them.

What If the Way You Are Is Not a Problem?

There is a reason we are drawn to this work. Many of us have spent our lives feeling wrong, too much, too sensitive, too angry, too resistant, too distant. We have been taught that there is a version of ourselves waiting on the other side of healing that is better than who we are now. And because of this, so many of us have missed the point.

That healing is not a destination or process of becoming someone else, but a process of reclaiming the self we were always meant to be.

And what if, instead of trying to sculpt ourselves into something more acceptable, we simply learned to stand more fully in the truth of who we already are?

Because maybe, just maybe, that is the real transformation.

If we strip away the marketing, the self-improvement rhetoric, and the pressure to become something we’re not, what does actual change look like?

Instead of transformation, maybe it’s more like refinement.

Instead of erasing old wounds, maybe it’s about developing a different relationship to them.

Instead of suppressing certain parts of ourselves in the name of regulation, maybe it’s about finding ways to work with them rather than against them.

We are not broken objects to be fixed, nor can we erase our past. And yet, much of the modern healing space operates under the assumption that our responses, tendencies, and adaptations are flaws that must be corrected rather than understood. The reality is, no amount of nervous system regulation will turn a deeply intense person into a soft-spoken, easygoing one. No amount of trauma healing will transform an analytical mind into one that floats effortlessly with the flow of life.

That’s shouldn’t even be the goal. The goal is not to eliminate our natural responses but to witness them with more spaciousness, more self-trust, and less shame. It’s not about preventing ourselves from ever feeling triggered, but rather learning to move through those triggers with more self-compassion and choice.

And perhaps most importantly, it’s about recognizing that our patterns exist for a reason. They have roots, histories, experiences, and ancestral threads that run deep. The more we try to force them away, the more we deny the wisdom they carry.

So, Do People Really Change?

Yes and no.

People don’t change in the way we’re often told they should. They don’t become entirely new versions of themselves, free from all their struggles and quirks. But they can become more aware, more intentional, more able to work with themselves rather than against themselves.

And maybe that’s enough.

Maybe the real work isn’t about becoming someone different but about making peace with who we’ve always been. Maybe instead of striving for a new self, we could learn to embrace our existing self with more nuance, more depth, and more understanding.

Maybe healing isn’t about changing who we are, but about learning to live with ourselves more honestly.

And maybe that’s what real transformation looks like.

If you want to explore this further, here are some resources that can help:

Books Recommendations:

(Please note: these are Amazon affiliate links. I may earn a very small commission from your purchase through these links at no extra cost to you. I appreciate your support by using these links as they help provide me with the means to afford keeping this blog online 🙏🏽)

The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture – Gabor Maté & Daniel Maté: A deep exploration of how modern society misunderstands trauma and healing, arguing that what we consider “normal” is often harmful. Maté highlights the need for self-compassion and systemic change in how we approach well-being.

Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory – Deb Dana: A compassionate and accessible guide to understanding your nervous system, offering practical tools for creating more internal safety and self-trust rather than striving to “fix” yourself.

The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity – Dr. Nadine Burke Harris: A groundbreaking look at how childhood trauma shapes health and behavior, with insights on how awareness and self-care can help us navigate our patterns without shame.

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model – Richard Schwartz: Explores the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach to healing, which emphasizes that all parts of us, even the ones we struggle with, carry wisdom and deserve understanding rather than rejection.

When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection – Gabor Maté: Explains how suppressed emotions and unexamined patterns can manifest as physical illness, offering a compelling case for self-awareness and deep listening to our bodies.

How to Be You: Stop Trying to Be Someone Else and Start Living Your Life – Jeffrey Marsh: A heartfelt, playful, and affirming guide to embracing your true self without trying to fit into societal expectations of who you “should” be.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle – Emily & Amelia Nagoski: Explores the emotional exhaustion many people experience and provides science-backed strategies for completing stress cycles rather than getting stuck in them.

The Wisdom of Your Body: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection Through Embodied Living – Hillary L. McBride: A powerful reflection on how healing isn’t about changing who we are but about reconnecting with our bodies as a source of wisdom and self-acceptance.

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha – Tara Brach: A deeply compassionate book that explores how self-acceptance, rather than self-improvement, can lead to profound transformation and peace.

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times – Katherine May: A poetic meditation on the cycles of life, showing how times of retreat, stillness, and struggle are not failures but necessary phases of growth and renewal.

Audible Membership – Access many of the recommended books in audiobook form for on-the-go learning.

Websites & Online Resources

The Polyvagal Institute (polyvagalinstitute.org) – Research and practical tools on nervous system regulation

Somatic Experiencing® International (traumahealing.org) – Resources for body-based healing

Nervous System Resource Hub by Deb Dana (rhythmofregulation.com) – Exercises and insights on vagus nerve health

Insight Timer (insighttimer.com) – Free guided meditations and somatic practices

For more suggested resources check out the Free Resources Page here.

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